Life Update – Self Discovery

“Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity”

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Hey Guys!

It’s been a while, I know and I am sorry.

I started this blog almost one year ago. I started this blog because I didn’t want to feel alone, I started it with the courage of my two friends but expected to have a load of followers and always be interacting so I wouldn’t feel alone. Looking back on it, I shouldn’t have started this when I did because everything that I posted was sad and fake. So for that I am sorry. I realize that hardly anyone reads this but I’ve come to terms that it doesn’t matter who reads this. One of the reasons I started this was because I wanted too and to avoid actual things happening.

Last year was probably one of my worst years as a whole. I faced a lot of challenges such as ‘how to cope?’ ‘fear’ ‘loneliness’ so I was in a bad place, one of the worst I’ve ever been.

Then I got some professional help. I had some results back, failed results and met some interesting people and left some people. I also went to college, new building, new people and some people I can’t imagine not being friends with now.

That pretty much brings us to now, it’s 2018. It’s a new year, that means a new start. I’m crap at resolutions so I didn’t make one, I like to pick up things as I go along in life. As of late, lots of things have happened in my life.

  • Illness
  • Rejection
  • Contracts
  • Work
  • Mental Health Issues

It’s only currently the third month and I am already starting to hate this year but it hasn’t even begun! I turned 18! First thing I thought of was ‘I can vote and legally drink!’ That’s right, I am a fully legal adult in all cases and I went out and got drunk for my birthday – looking bad, wasn’t a bad idea except I can’t really remember much, I just had bruises among bruises everywhere. Such fun!

I also have mocks and resits that I desperately need to work on but I just physically and mentally cannot find the effort or motivation to even pick up a book. Then a good friend of mine told me these words “Don’t let it control you, your education is the only thing that you have total control over.” These are words that I will now forever live by because they are TRUE words. I will pass these words on to anyone who reads this and is struggling with any issues.

 Self discovery is something that everyone goes through. Sometimes, even multiple times. You get that ‘calling’ for your dream job, I’ve about 13 probably in the last month. I have discovered that I don’t want a regular, mundane 9 to 5 job. I’ve done too many of those days in school already, I as of currently want to either be a counselor to change or help someone’s life. Or to change the world in some weird way – I want to start my own charity, I want to travel world and make like really cool diary entries and make fun picture books of my hopeful travel ideas. But for right now, I am settling for my little weird notes saved and pictures of my amazing friends and the ugly snapchats saved to my phone.

One of the important things that people discover about themselves is sexuality. Now I am highly supportive of all types of sexuality but when I started questioning my own around 8 months ago, I got very scared. I got scared because this hadn’t happened to me before. Now my mother, siblings and friends are not homophobic in the slightest. In fact two of my closest friends are gay/bisexual and my sister is a loud and proud lesbian. But after I came to the realization that I was actually in fact a PANSEXUAL human being. I was terrified to tell them, I thought ‘oh drop into casual conversation’ as I did with my friend Risha who then proceeded to tell me that she already knew and that I had nothing to be afraid of. As did all my other friends, they were all so supportive and unlike anything that I though it’d be. With my other LGBT+ friend Iwan, I tried to slip it in as casual as possible by just stating, I’m pansexual in the middle of the conversation to which I had a reply of ‘Welcome to the club’ I am currently happy with the amount of people who I’ve told and a more people are going to find out from reading this. I’m going to insert a definition so I don’t get messages about it asking what is it.

As of future events, I am currently obsessing over the film ‘Pride’ (2014) and going as far as to drag my friend who has never seen the film to a location where it was filmed. I am always in a casual state of worry so I have a feeling not much is going to change there but I also want to help myself realize that it’s okay to be the way I am because I have issues of accepting the way I am. But I know I have a great bunch of friends, who have constantly had to reassure me(sorry guys!) that I am wanted around and actually liked by them. Which I am! Yay me!

Thanks for actually reading this far!

Love always,

Terri x

Places to find me

Twitter – @WordsOfTerri00

Instagram – @terrileigh2000/@wordsofterri

Tumblr – @weakmoon-stuff

 Or just leave a comment!

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Life Update

Trust the magic of new beginnings

Everyone has new beginnings, some people have multiple. I’ve just started mine. My sorta new adventure. This all happened because last summer I had A Levels and to put it nicely – they tanked.

I had to leave my school which I’ve been comfortably in for 6 years. I got use to the familiarity of the halls, I got use to the everyday comfort. I got used to, to teachers and the students.

I applied to go to Coleg Y Cymoedd to do English and Health and Social Care…. again. But I also took Film Studies. Now, everyone should know by now that I’m a very anxious person who gets nervous over nothing. I was worrying about ‘Would people like me?’ ‘Will I get lost?’ and everything else that I probably didn’t need to think about.

First Day

I caught the wrong time bus, I arrive to my first class soaking wet and late. Great first impression Ter is all I kept telling myself. I sat in the chair closest to me and tried my best to ignore the people sat around me. I did this successfully until I forgot my special login so I had to ask for help (something I don’t like to do) so I got my new login and I was back to being my “inner emo” this was all fine until we had to play a game to get to know each other – a bonding game of sorts. Now pretty sure you’ve all heard of ‘1 lie and 2 truths’ 

I was placed in a group with 3 other people (2 of which became close friends) and we had to make up likes and tell a truth. This was the time to interact and try to make friends, like I promised my mum. So my lies were;

  • I once set a table on fire by accident
  • I once got stuck while rock climbing

and my truth wasn’t much better.

  • I knocked myself out by falling down the stairs

These were the first words I had ever uttered to these people and clearly two of them liked it…. haha

I then had a 3 hour break – I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know where to sit. I ended up in the toilets sitting alone for those 3 hours. After they had finally passed, I went to my first ever film studies class and I was pleasantly surprised. But also very terrified of the teacher, she had a wonderful 1950s vibe going on – which I loved. She was and still is very dedicated about film so much to ever have her favorite film quotes tattooed to her. Now that’s commitment! She is also very passionate about her hatred of Nicholas Cage.

“His name just brings me out in hives”

We went round the class and all said our names and our favorite films to introduce ourselves and why? I was mentally prepping myself to say “My name is Terri and my favorite film is Harry Potter” I was so scared to utter that once sentence.

The day was over and I went home after an hour and half long bus ride with extra traffic to add to my mood. It was a Friday so I had to entire weekend to reassure myself that I was fine and I could do this. I can go back to college.

Monday approached and I was back on the bus on my way to college. The day passed by like it was nothing, it still does now 3 months later. Slides away like the rain on the window from the first day.

But more about those friends I made – after all it was a promise to my mum. Polly and Rishain.

Polly

I see Polly twice a week and I look forward to having stupid chats about why does she email herself so much? Nobody had the answer 3 months ago, nobody has it now. Polly makes me feel happy, she encourages me to do things with and she has since labelled herself as my life coach. She tells me to do things I’d never do; most of which I can’t mention to you so you can probably guess and picture….

Polly tells me stories about stuff she did years ago and I text her when I’m sad because she cheers me up by being her. She laughs along when I poke fun at her which weirdly comforts me because then I know that we are ACTUAL friends. I love Polly – she’s comforting and safe and I needed that then, I still do and she never fails to provide it.  (I have no pictures of this Polly who I claim to love so much, if she reads this. We need some Polly!)

Rishain

1
My spice woman

I call her Spice, Escobar, wifey and Erin.

Erin was our first inside joke, she used to sit behind me in film and when she said her name I thought she was “Erin” this was the beginning of our friendship as I turned to her one day and said “Erin? It is Erin, right?” She looked at me stupid and said “NO!” then she laughed in my face and we’ve been attached ever since.

She sits by me in every lesson, texts and calls me everyday. She has labelled herself my wife and forever she will stay that way she tells me. I always turn to her for everything, she became my best friend in such a short amount of time. She told me everything from her mum making gay candles to her strange catholic school and I told her everything else. I told her funny things like me tripping everywhere to serious things like my dad. I felt like I could trust her from the day she laughed in my face about calling her Erin.

I trust and value her as a person then and I still do today. Risha is the person that I text at 1 in the morning about my weird dreams and stupid aspirations like becoming a pirate. She’s the friend who can tell something is wrong from just a text and doesn’t give up until I’m okay. This is something that I’m forever grateful to her for. She hypes me up on Instagram and I do the same for her. Risha is my best friend and forever will be.

Together

Together, the 3 of us are nightmares to say the least. Thank God it’s only 2 a week, otherwise how would Rebecca cope? There’s always laughter and stupid jokes about Jackie Chan socks and words said a bit too loud that makes other people stare and wonder ‘What are they doing?’  But none of us really care.

Thoughts?

I always wonder what if I sat somewhere else? I wouldn’t have met these people that I’m forever glad I have. Why didn’t I want to come to college? I’d still be wallowing in own anxiety drowning in the reason why I’m alone. But thanks to these guys, I never feel like that anymore. I haven’t felt alone in 3 whole months! That for me is astonishing!

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Her reaction!

It’s all thanks to the Jackie Chan loving weirdo and the red headed psycho who could make anyone feel welcome!

Thanks to my new babes! I love you both!

College was my first dreaded experience that I’ve ever probably head and now I couldn’t be more happy that I came. I get to see old friends and make new friends all at once. Sometimes new beginnings aren’t that bad.

Love always,

Terri x

 

Pray. 

activistˈaktɪvɪst/

noun: activist

1. 
a person who campaigns to bring about political or social change.

humanitarian hjʊˌmanɪˈtɛːrɪən/

adjective: humanitarian

1. 
concerned with or seeking to promote human welfare.

These things are things that i would like to be. These are things that I hope I already am.
After seeing the world for what it is, actually kind of disgusts me. We’ve all heard about the Paris attacks, the Ariana Grande concert and loads more! But most recently, there was the Las Vegas attack. Where a 64 year old man horrifically opened fire at the Route 91 Harvest Festival.
There are at least 59 people dead and 527 injured. The media then went on to call this person ” a man lost in the system”. He was a murder nothing more and nothing less.
This was the worst mass shooting in modern US history.

As for me personally I hope that we can finally live in a world where people aren’t hated for their race, creed, gender and sexual orientation. I do hope that these horrible things can be a distant memory and just that.

My heart and prayers are forever with the people of all these attacks. Their families will forever have an emptiness inside of them that will never be filled.
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss.


Forever remember the fallen🙏🏼👼🏼

Love always,

Terri x

The Versatile Blogger Award 


Today, I was nominated for my first Blogger Award by Alphonso, which I  completely surprised at and extremely thankful for! I recently met this person on a group chat for bloggers so to be nominated by you was very exciting and special for me. I find it very hard to pin point exactly what topic to tell you that she writes about as he covers a huge range of different topics from love to rap battles, yes even rap battles. So I have left a link up there and will leave another one so go show him some love!

The Rules

  •  Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Share 7 facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 10 other Bloggers of your choice.
  • Link your nominees, and let them know of your nomination.

So on the facts my pretties!

  1. Different cultures are my absolute jam. I will literally stay up all night just to find out itty bitty random facts about different culture but my favourite is definitely Egyptian as there are so many symbols to learn about.
  2. I am an Aquarius but me and water do not mix in the slightest! I can’t swim, deep water scares me and I have a huge phobia of drowning.
  3. I’m a huge day dreamer and it causes me problems because I can’t fixate on anything until I’ve finished my little dream. Which is absolutely insane.
  4. I have a huge family, I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters and I would say that we all get along but we do all have our moments.
  5. Halloween make up is my No 1 searched thing on YouTube, I do nothing for Halloween but the make up is my absolute shit like you go you talented people! (Jordan Hanz)
  6. I stated this as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings but I do even though I’m still new, feel like it’s already bigger than that. It’s already given me new friends!
  7. Having good friends means the world to me! They support me in my blogging so much! They Snapchat me after every update and text me! Thanks so much! ChloeCatherineRach and Shauna (send love to me peeps)

Award Nominees 

  1. Rachel
  2. Shauna
  3. Movie Babble
  4. By Hook or By Book
  5. Louisa
  6. Rosie
  7. Random
  8. Alphonso

I am sorry I couldn’t think of another 2 – but if you could recommend any, would be very grateful.
Another huge thank you to Alphonso, I  extremely happy you like my writing!

Love always,

Terri x

25 Unanswered Questions. // Get to know the blogger!

Hey guys! Haven’t updated in ages! Also very sorry for that just been busy and such but I haven’t abandoned the blog. Don’t worry.

So I thought you guys could get to me a little more, by answering a questions tag!

  1. What’s your favourite candle scent? \\ Red Raspberry by Yankee.
  2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? \\ Zoella cause she seems so lovely! Or Anastasia Smith.
  3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? \\ Absolutely Cole Sprouse 100%
  4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married? \\ I have never wanted to get married. I’ve never felt that I would need a piece of paper to tell me how I feel.
  5. Do you know a hoarder? \\ Yes, my brother – he collects stuff for “Just in case moments”
  6. Can you do the splits? \\ NO I am not fit enough for that crap.
  7. How old were you when you learnt to ride a bike? \\ I actually never learnt, I gave up straight away and that was that.
  8. How many oceans have you swam in? \\ None? I don’t think?
  9. How many countries have you been to? \\ 2 – England and Wales. I haven’t travelled at all yet but I hope to soon.
  10. Is anyone in your family in the army? \\ My cousin, that I know of but probably more.
  11. What would you name your daughter if you had one? \\  I like such unique and unheard of names. So daughters Lucielle or Arrow. They’re freaking weird but I love them!
  12. What would you name your son if you had one? \\ Storm and Zeppelin – these names are absolutely punk rocky and it’s awesome!
  13. What’s the word grade you got on a test? \\ E? In Math have to wait for my A Levels first.
  14. What was your favourite TV show as a child? \\ Timothy Goes To School or Conor’s Gamimg Guide to absolutely everything! #KIDFURY
  15. What did you dress up for Halloween when you were eight? \\ Probably a witch or a pumpkin 🎃
  16. Have you ever read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games and Twilight series? \\ Harry Potter is my genuine life. I also read Twilight to see the hype and it was eh okay. Never read the Hunger Games.
  17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? \\ I’d rather have a British accent but the stereotypical accent, like a really posh one.
  18. Did your mother go to college? \\ Nope.
  19. Are your grandparents still married? \\ I have actually only ever known one of my grandparents but my mothers’ parents would still be married if they didn’t pass.
  20. Have you ever taken karate lessons? \\ Not that I can recall.
  21. Do you know who Kermit the Frog is? \\ Yes, the muppets were my favourite thing growing up!
  22. Do you remember your dreams in the morning? \\ I actually have a dream journel so I write them all down so I do tend to remember.
  23. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? \\ Toby. But also Garin which they later went on to name my brother.
  24. Do you know triplets? \\ No, I’ve never met a set of triplets.
  25. What language would you like to be fluent in? \\ Ancient Egyptian or Latin, they have such beautiful cultures and wonderful languages!

Here’s some little bits of info about me!

Thanks for reading, leave me some suggestions if you wish!

Love always,

Terri x

This Modern Love: Book Review

This book was created by British Youtuber Will Darbyshire. This beautiful book is complied with entries from across the world with the one thing that everybody has in common. Love.

Not my image

I believe that Will received around 15,000 entires to include and after careful consideration on his behalf, he selected a numerous amount to put in his book.

The book complies of people who are truly in love, also those who are in love with the idea of being in love. Also those who have been broken hearted and understand that they met to soon.
I personally think that this is book is an absolutely must read because it’s such a beautiful book and written to such a high standard and it makes you want to find that one special someone, that person who will put everything in to perspective and just make everything okay.

A fantastic read about love in this ever changing modern world.
I have chosen to put in my two favourite selections.

Dear Alex,

Alone in cold sheets, I imagine us folded like paper. In our origami bed. And it keeps me warm.  Thank you for being there, even when you’re not.  

Love, Freddie UK

Dear T

You’re my moon, my stars, you’re my sunrises and my sunsets. You’re the crisp mountain air, the first layer of snow and that steady rainfall after a humid day. You’re just everything, thank you for being everything. 

Yours,
S

This book made me have such a range of emotions because it’s such a unique idea and I feel like this book also shows the love that Will himself has for Arden Rose, his friends, his family. I believe that this book was not only meant to show the love that the world has, it was suppose to show that love that Will has too.

Thank you Will.

Have any of you got any more book suggestions for me? Or anymore Youtbers you think I’d be interested in? Leave them below.

Love always,

Terri x

Overthinking.

 

Okay, I didn’t know whether or not to post this because

  1. It’s different
  2. People might not understand
  3. I’m literally telling you all my thoughts and feelings

I’m always thinking and I’m always daydreaming or thinking about weird things and I don’t often share these thoughts with people, so I thought that I would type them all down so it still seems like I’m not sharing them with anyone because it’s just me here… alone in my room.

So here we gooo….

As I’m writing this, I’m the youngest I’ll ever be. Even as I look back and publish this, I’m the youngest I’ll ever be. Also how some of the best days of my life can instantly become a memory. Like everything whether good or bad it all just becomes a memory.

I personally find it scary how fast life is passing me by and I’m just completely unaware of it in a way. I turned 17 just 4 months ago but I feel as it has gone by so fast, all of my 17 years on this planet. I was very recently talking to a friend about this like I said I’m 17 years old. In another 17 years, I’ll be 34. 34 YEARS OLD! What am I going to be doing? It just seems so surreal to me that I could live another 17 years and I’m going to be 34. I know it’s just ‘growing up’ but I just find it so amazing. I could be a completely different person, I could not like who I am. What if I could see what I’m going to be. Would I try to alter it? Would I not try?

Also, I try to imagine all the conversations that I’ve been mentioned in and not known about? What is being said? Would I want to know but the fact that I might never know sort of baffles me a little bit because would it make me change?

Staying on the topic of life. What happens after life? Lots of people have different theories but what does actually happen? Does something else happen that nobody knows about or are you just a name that was once on this earth? Is there an actual purpose to all this? It plays with me a lot though how different life could be if you just change ONE thing about yourself. Like for the people who are reading this or are going to read this, what would you be doing if you weren’t reading this? Or how doing one single thing can alter your life drastically it could make it longer or even shorter. Nobody actually knows what could happen tomorrow or even in the further future and it completely baffles me.

I was literally just texting a friend about this (Cath this is you) where I’m on the bus to school or going out and I look at all the houses and I wonder what’s going on in there? The family or friends that live in that building could be celebrating a new life or they could be grieving over a life. They could be celebrating a marriage or nursing a broken heart. It’s so strange to think about what’s going on behind closed doors. I would give anything just to see for one day what does actually go on in there. But I’ll never know.

Right, I’m going to end this here because it gets a bit deeper after this and I think we’ve had enough of my thoughts for today. I hope at least one person can relate because I am quite scared about posting this. If you want me to do another one please comment down below because I think way too much so I’ll have more to give.

Also maybe comment about what you think about? I’d find that so interesting.

Love always,

Terri x