Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light
I’d like to start by saying that happiness comes to different people in different ways. There are different types of happiness, for someone it’s hearing their phone go off and the person they love has texted them back to others it’s hearing their favourite TV theme tune play. The feeling of being happy is completely unique to everybody and sometimes they can’t even explain what makes them happy themselves.
I spent a lot of my childhood generally being an unhappy child which my mother couldn’t understand because she tried her hardest to give me everything that I needed and I will always be grateful to her for it.
Growing up was an interesting experience because with 5 brothers and 2 sisters the house was always buzzing and this made being alone which I always longed for difficult. But things changed and life events occurred so I got increasingly less happy as the years went on but I never lost my friends or the support that I got from them. Which I can honestly say means the absolute world to me and the continuing support that I have from them.
Starting from September, it was starting to all get better for me. I made so many new friends who liked and appreciated me, I started new subjects to which I learnt so much. I started eating properly and actually venturing into the outside world which was something I always struggled with.
My new friends are some of the most important people in life and I’ve only known them for 8 months. Thinking about the previous years, I couldn’t fathom going to a house party and enjoying myself in that situation BUT I did it. Twice. For this I am proud of myself and being the most socially active I have been in a long time makes me happy! Listening to some of my best friends singing drunk karaoke makes me happy! Listening to them sing and laugh and watching them dance makes me happy, singing in the car makes me happy!
Seeing some of old friends for the first time in 2 months or longer also makes me so happy because they are some of the first friends I had and seeing them after a long time just re-establishes how they make me feel and how I’m always going to have their support and they will always have mine.
Also mentally wise I’ve also been feeling more happy lately, which sounds absolutely crazy coming from me and I know that but when I’m balanced out which I admit is not often, I do think about what I have and what I have is good. You don’t waste good.
I have nobody else to thank but my friends and family for making me feel this way.
“Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity”
It’s been a while, I know and I am sorry.
I started this blog almost one year ago. I started this blog because I didn’t want to feel alone, I started it with the courage of my two friends but expected to have a load of followers and always be interacting so I wouldn’t feel alone. Looking back on it, I shouldn’t have started this when I did because everything that I posted was sad and fake. So for that I am sorry. I realize that hardly anyone reads this but I’ve come to terms that it doesn’t matter who reads this. One of the reasons I started this was because I wanted too and to avoid actual things happening.
Last year was probably one of my worst years as a whole. I faced a lot of challenges such as ‘how to cope?’ ‘fear’ ‘loneliness’ so I was in a bad place, one of the worst I’ve ever been.
Then I got some professional help. I had some results back, failed results and met some interesting people and left some people. I also went to college, new building, new people and some people I can’t imagine not being friends with now.
That pretty much brings us to now, it’s 2018. It’s a new year, that means a new start. I’m crap at resolutions so I didn’t make one, I like to pick up things as I go along in life. As of late, lots of things have happened in my life.
Mental Health Issues
It’s only currently the third month and I am already starting to hate this year but it hasn’t even begun! I turned 18! First thing I thought of was ‘I can vote and legally drink!’ That’s right, I am a fully legal adult in all cases and I went out and got drunk for my birthday – looking bad, wasn’t a bad idea except I can’t really remember much, I just had bruises among bruises everywhere. Such fun!
I also have mocks and resits that I desperately need to work on but I just physically and mentally cannot find the effort or motivation to even pick up a book. Then a good friend of mine told me these words “Don’t let it control you, your education is the only thing that you have total control over.” These are words that I will now forever live by because they are TRUE words. I will pass these words on to anyone who reads this and is struggling with any issues.
Self discovery is something that everyone goes through. Sometimes, even multiple times. You get that ‘calling’ for your dream job, I’ve about 13 probably in the last month. I have discovered that I don’t want a regular, mundane 9 to 5 job. I’ve done too many of those days in school already, I as of currently want to either be a counselor to change or help someone’s life. Or to change the world in some weird way – I want to start my own charity, I want to travel world and make like really cool diary entries and make fun picture books of my hopeful travel ideas. But for right now, I am settling for my little weird notes saved and pictures of my amazing friends and the ugly snapchats saved to my phone.
One of the important things that people discover about themselves is sexuality. Now I am highly supportive of all types of sexuality but when I started questioning my own around 8 months ago, I got very scared. I got scared because this hadn’t happened to me before. Now my mother, siblings and friends are not homophobic in the slightest. In fact two of my closest friends are gay/bisexual and my sister is a loud and proud lesbian. But after I came to the realization that I was actually in fact a PANSEXUAL human being. I was terrified to tell them, I thought ‘oh drop into casual conversation’ as I did with my friend Risha who then proceeded to tell me that she already knew and that I had nothing to be afraid of. As did all my other friends, they were all so supportive and unlike anything that I though it’d be. With my other LGBT+ friend Iwan, I tried to slip it in as casual as possible by just stating, I’m pansexual in the middle of the conversation to which I had a reply of ‘Welcome to the club’ I am currently happy with the amount of people who I’ve told and a more people are going to find out from reading this. I’m going to insert a definition so I don’t get messages about it asking what is it.
As of future events, I am currently obsessing over the film ‘Pride’ (2014) and going as far as to drag my friend who has never seen the film to a location where it was filmed. I am always in a casual state of worry so I have a feeling not much is going to change there but I also want to help myself realize that it’s okay to be the way I am because I have issues of accepting the way I am. But I know I have a great bunch of friends, who have constantly had to reassure me(sorry guys!) that I am wanted around and actually liked by them. Which I am! Yay me!
Everyone has new beginnings, some people have multiple. I’ve just started mine. My sorta new adventure. This all happened because last summer I had A Levels and to put it nicely – they tanked.
I had to leave my school which I’ve been comfortably in for 6 years. I got use to the familiarity of the halls, I got use to the everyday comfort. I got used to, to teachers and the students.
I applied to go to Coleg Y Cymoedd to do English and Health and Social Care…. again. But I also took Film Studies. Now, everyone should know by now that I’m a very anxious person who gets nervous over nothing. I was worrying about ‘Would people like me?’‘Will I get lost?’ and everything else that I probably didn’t need to think about.
I caught the wrong time bus, I arrive to my first class soaking wet and late. Great first impression Ter is all I kept telling myself. I sat in the chair closest to me and tried my best to ignore the people sat around me. I did this successfully until I forgot my special login so I had to ask for help (something I don’t like to do) so I got my new login and I was back to being my “inner emo” this was all fine until we had to play a game to get to know each other – a bonding game of sorts. Now pretty sure you’ve all heard of ‘1 lie and 2 truths’
I was placed in a group with 3 other people (2 of which became close friends) and we had to make up likes and tell a truth. This was the time to interact and try to make friends, like I promised my mum. So my lies were;
I once set a table on fire by accident
I once got stuck while rock climbing
and my truth wasn’t much better.
I knocked myself out by falling down the stairs
These were the first words I had ever uttered to these people and clearly two of them liked it…. haha
I then had a 3 hour break – I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know where to sit. I ended up in the toilets sitting alone for those 3 hours. After they had finally passed, I went to my first ever film studies class and I was pleasantly surprised. But also very terrified of the teacher, she had a wonderful 1950s vibe going on – which I loved. She was and still is very dedicated about film so much to ever have her favorite film quotes tattooed to her. Now that’s commitment! She is also very passionate about her hatred of Nicholas Cage.
“His name just brings me out in hives”
We went round the class and all said our names and our favorite films to introduce ourselves and why? I was mentally prepping myself to say “My name is Terri and my favorite film is Harry Potter” I was so scared to utter that once sentence.
The day was over and I went home after an hour and half long bus ride with extra traffic to add to my mood. It was a Friday so I had to entire weekend to reassure myself that I was fine and I could do this. I can go back to college.
Monday approached and I was back on the bus on my way to college. The day passed by like it was nothing, it still does now 3 months later. Slides away like the rain on the window from the first day.
But more about those friends I made – after all it was a promise to my mum. Polly and Rishain.
I see Polly twice a week and I look forward to having stupid chats about why does she email herself so much? Nobody had the answer 3 months ago, nobody has it now. Polly makes me feel happy, she encourages me to do things with and she has since labelled herself as my life coach. She tells me to do things I’d never do; most of which I can’t mention to you so you can probably guess and picture….
Polly tells me stories about stuff she did years ago and I text her when I’m sad because she cheers me up by being her. She laughs along when I poke fun at her which weirdly comforts me because then I know that we are ACTUAL friends. I love Polly – she’s comforting and safe and I needed that then, I still do and she never fails to provide it. (I have no pictures of this Polly who I claim to love so much, if she reads this. We need some Polly!)
I call her Spice, Escobar, wifey and Erin.
Erin was our first inside joke, she used to sit behind me in film and when she said her name I thought she was “Erin” this was the beginning of our friendship as I turned to her one day and said “Erin? It is Erin, right?” She looked at me stupid and said “NO!” then she laughed in my face and we’ve been attached ever since.
She sits by me in every lesson, texts and calls me everyday. She has labelled herself my wife and forever she will stay that way she tells me. I always turn to her for everything, she became my best friend in such a short amount of time. She told me everything from her mum making gay candles to her strange catholic school and I told her everything else. I told her funny things like me tripping everywhere to serious things like my dad. I felt like I could trust her from the day she laughed in my face about calling her Erin.
I trust and value her as a person then and I still do today. Risha is the person that I text at 1 in the morning about my weird dreams and stupid aspirations like becoming a pirate. She’s the friend who can tell something is wrong from just a text and doesn’t give up until I’m okay. This is something that I’m forever grateful to her for. She hypes me up on Instagram and I do the same for her. Risha is my best friend and forever will be.
Together, the 3 of us are nightmares to say the least. Thank God it’s only 2 a week, otherwise how would Rebecca cope? There’s always laughter and stupid jokes about Jackie Chan socks and words said a bit too loud that makes other people stare and wonder ‘What are they doing?’ But none of us really care.
I always wonder what if I sat somewhere else? I wouldn’t have met these people that I’m forever glad I have. Why didn’t I want to come to college? I’d still be wallowing in own anxiety drowning in the reason why I’m alone. But thanks to these guys, I never feel like that anymore. I haven’t felt alone in 3 whole months! That for me is astonishing!
It’s all thanks to the Jackie Chan loving weirdo and the red headed psycho who could make anyone feel welcome!
Thanks to my new babes! I love you both!
College was my first dreaded experience that I’ve ever probably head and now I couldn’t be more happy that I came. I get to see old friends and make new friends all at once. Sometimes new beginnings aren’t that bad.
1. a person who campaigns to bring about political or social change.
1. concerned with or seeking to promote human welfare.
These things are things that i would like to be. These are things that I hope I already am.
After seeing the world for what it is, actually kind of disgusts me. We’ve all heard about the Paris attacks, the Ariana Grande concert and loads more! But most recently, there was the Las Vegas attack. Where a 64 year old man horrifically opened fire at the Route 91 Harvest Festival.
There are at least 59 people dead and 527 injured. The media then went on to call this person ” a man lost in the system”. He was a murder nothing more and nothing less.
This was the worst mass shooting in modern US history.
As for me personally I hope that we can finally live in a world where people aren’t hated for their race, creed, gender and sexual orientation. I do hope that these horrible things can be a distant memory and just that.
My heart and prayers are forever with the people of all these attacks. Their families will forever have an emptiness inside of them that will never be filled.
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss.
Today, I was nominated for my first Blogger Award by Alphonso, which I completely surprised at and extremely thankful for! I recently met this person on a group chat for bloggers so to be nominated by you was very exciting and special for me. I find it very hard to pin point exactly what topic to tell you that she writes about as he covers a huge range of different topics from love to rap battles, yes even rap battles. So I have left a link up there and will leave another one so go show him some love!
Thank the person who nominated you.
Share 7 facts about yourself.
Nominate 10 other Bloggers of your choice.
Link your nominees, and let them know of your nomination.
So on the facts my pretties!
Different cultures are my absolute jam. I will literally stay up all night just to find out itty bitty random facts about different culture but my favourite is definitely Egyptian as there are so many symbols to learn about.
I am an Aquarius but me and water do not mix in the slightest! I can’t swim, deep water scares me and I have a huge phobia of drowning.
I’m a huge day dreamer and it causes me problems because I can’t fixate on anything until I’ve finished my little dream. Which is absolutely insane.
I have a huge family, I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters and I would say that we all get along but we do all have our moments.
Halloween make up is my No 1 searched thing on YouTube, I do nothing for Halloween but the make up is my absolute shit like you go you talented people! (Jordan Hanz)
I stated this as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings but I do even though I’m still new, feel like it’s already bigger than that. It’s already given me new friends!
Having good friends means the world to me! They support me in my blogging so much! They Snapchat me after every update and text me! Thanks so much! Chloe, Catherine, Rach and Shauna (send love to me peeps)
This book was created by British Youtuber Will Darbyshire. This beautiful book is complied with entries from across the world with the one thing that everybody has in common. Love.
I believe that Will received around 15,000 entires to include and after careful consideration on his behalf, he selected a numerous amount to put in his book.
The book complies of people who are truly in love, also those who are in love with the idea of being in love. Also those who have been broken hearted and understand that they met to soon.
I personally think that this is book is an absolutely must read because it’s such a beautiful book and written to such a high standard and it makes you want to find that one special someone, that person who will put everything in to perspective and just make everything okay.
A fantastic read about love in this ever changing modern world.
I have chosen to put in my two favourite selections.
Alone in cold sheets, I imagine us folded like paper. In our origami bed. And it keeps me warm. Thank you for being there, even when you’re not.
Love, Freddie UK
You’re my moon, my stars, you’re my sunrises and my sunsets. You’re the crisp mountain air, the first layer of snow and that steady rainfall after a humid day. You’re just everything, thank you for being everything.
This book made me have such a range of emotions because it’s such a unique idea and I feel like this book also shows the love that Will himself has for Arden Rose, his friends, his family. I believe that this book was not only meant to show the love that the world has, it was suppose to show that love that Will has too.
Thank you Will.
Have any of you got any more book suggestions for me? Or anymore Youtbers you think I’d be interested in? Leave them below.